PART 2: THE GRIP OF INFIDELITY & ITS LASTING CONSEQUENCES
2.1...THE PREVALENCE OF INFIDELITY
The number of cases uncovered of infidelity in recent times suggest that it is much more prevalent than previously thought. If Infidelity is really looked at closely, one would see that it has always been a huge problem for Leaders. Kind David was one such example and it is not surprising to see the same kind of behaviorial links in Leaders who fail and fall.
2.2...SOME UNFORTUNATE RECENT EXAMPLES
Recently some of the cases of Infidelity that were shared with me were alarmingly blatant. Look at the cases that I am citing here:
CASE 1
It always begins with small things
John (not his real name) was a Senior Banker. He had met Gail (not her real name) at an Interbank meeting. At the first handshake, there was already chemistry in the exchanged glances. He was good looking, in his forties and a smooth talker. She was divorced and although a tad heavy, was still attractive in her heavily made-up appearance. A lunch meeting followed under the pretext of sharing notes on work-related problems. The suggestion of going on an outing followed and the venue was isolated enough for the two of them to spend quiet secluded moments together. Soon, the outings increased and innocent "hand-holds" developed into hugs and tender moments.
The development of the liaison - deeper involvement
When the suggestion for an out-of-town trip came, it was eagerly agreed to by both parties. Of course, only one room was booked as John had already got it all figured out. When the time for check-in came, he simply went up to the counter and did the check in personally. Then he led up to the lift and when he opened the room, she coyly asked him, "Are we staying together?" She had already kind of expected it. With trembling hands, he opened the door and before the bags could be stowed away, they were already in a warm embrace and as they kissed passionately, the whole stage was set for the next two days. They hardly left the room as they revelled in "affection" that had never been experienced before.
Guilt is only a temporary sojourn
When the two days were up, they were already talking about the next trip...... Guilt racked John as he went home where he gingerly explained that he had two tiring days of meetings and it was tough wanting to evoke empathy from his wife Kathy. Kathy had been long-suffering and she had suspected for a long time now her husband's tendency for infidelity. She had tried not to think about it and instead focussed on her children who were now in their teens. She thought that by spending time to develop them, she would earn his approval. Sex slowly became more and more of a routine that grew less and less. she simply didn't feel any depth in their sexual connections and soon she put it aside in her mind.
When the problem breaks out into the open.......
The situation continued in this way until one day she found evidence of their relationship. The tell-tale evidence left behind brought her smack into reality and she had now to confront the truth. When Kathy confronted John, he simply and blatantly said that he was involved and told her that he no longer wanted to live with her. It was that simple - he just walked out on her! There was not even enough time for recriminations. The hurts that came was unyielding and she could not sleep for months thinking about where she went wrong.
The tragedy of the consequences of Infidelity
Self-wracked by guilt initially, Kathy went from remorse to deep anger. A quiet intorvert, she gave way to fits of violent anger. She felt more than cheated and betrayed - she wanted to hit back. At the end after many occasions of bitter and acrimonious meetings arranged by well-meaning friends, she gave up trying. Divorce came two years later and she has come to terms with reality. Kathy is still attractive but she is already in her fifties. All she has to live for now are her children. The first grandchild has come but she still hasn't recovered fully. She is still given to bouts of crying and depression and carries resignation as her portion.
Is it really any better in the long-term
John is seemingly much happier in his new relationship but Gail has found out that he has carried out other relationships with younger girls. She has had no choice but to forgive him and accept him because she also "stole" him from someone else. she is hoping that with age (he is now almost 60) he will change.
THE UNANSWERED QUESTION
This tragic case brings forth some critical questions. Could the infidelity have been avoided? Could Kathy have done something to save the marriage? While various suggestions could be framed as seeming answers, it requires more than just logic and reasoning.
Sure Kathy could have done much more but John would have still gone on with the relationship. The answer is really in John's hand and that is why this series of Infidelity is so important. It is aimed at the men who are essentially the Initiators in such illicit relationships. In their hands lie the answer. Gail is to some extent a perpetrator but if John had not taken the initiative, the fall-out would not have happened. John must see the consequence of his act before there can be a chance at change. Then he has to seek help - he must understand that this is really an addiction and any attempt to change on his own accord can only result in failure. The third step which is what I hold personally is that he must turn to God to help him correct his terrible secret - that insatiable desire for gratification and girls. Turning to God is just a beginning. He has to really embrace God continuously if he hopes to beat this problem and keep the sanctity of his marriage aand family.
More will be talked about of this God-factor in the later Parts on Infidelity.
CASE 2
A Church Leader who fell.....
Case 2 is the story of a Church Leader who was also a corporate leader. Wallace was a successful General Manager of a huge corporation. He had been going regularly overseas on his marketing trips. On most of such trips, he had declared his standing where it came to entertainment and nightspots. He told his colleagues and clients that he was a Christian and had clear ideals that could not be violated.
External forces at work
This went on well for a couple of years. On one of the subsequent trips after this period of good behavior, one of his colleagues got together some clients and told them that they should really test Wallace's resolve and faith. They "booked" Lucy, one of the most beautiful and sexy girls from a well-known agency and said that if she could get him to sleep with her, they will give her a bonus that ran into the thousands. She took up the challenge attracted by the monetary reward.
Temptation begins with the onset of desire
Later that night, she knocked on his door dressed to tempt and attract. He made the mistake of opening his door a little to see who it was. What he saw blew his mind. Here was the most beautiful and exquisite woman he had ever seen and she was smiling invitingly at him. The slit on her cheongsam that came up to almost her thighs showed legs that went on forever and the dark shadows that flitted on the low neckline projected a tantalising image of sexual invitation. When he looked down at her body, he could feel a weakness creep up his legs. Then she said demurely, "I am a friend of some of your friends and they asked me to deliver a message to you. Can I come in?" Wallace did not need any persuasion at all.
The point of "no return" is very short
When she took that first step into his room, he had already lost the battle. She didn't even need to try very hard. The minute she leaned her firm toned body against his, he could already feel the obsession of sexual lust flow into him. As she helped him take off his shirt and sensually used her hands to run all over his body, he was totally and irreversibly committed to the torrid sessions that were already set in motion.
Resolve has no chance against lust
Such is the power of sex and lust that the strongest resolve can become putty in the hands of a skilled woman. Wallace had no chance after that. After that trip, he began to plan regular trips to that destination and each time, the first thing he did was to call Lucy. He could not do without her and he showered expensive gifts and monetary rewards on her. He could afford it and after all, it rejuvenated him. He began to find all kinds of justification to explain away his actions.
Justification is often a tool that falls short......
For a couple of years this went on and to banish his guilt, he did try to increase his physical interest in his wife. He had more sexual sessions with his wife and he used this to justify his extra-curricular activities. Unfortunately he had a sharp and perceptive wife. The change in behavior was not like Wallace. His wife started notice the change in dressing, the obsession with expensive things and the sharp increase in the credit card bills. Soon the suspicions was followed by 'tracking' trips to follow her husband. On one such trip, she waited until Lucy had entered his room. She had cleverly checked in at the Reception as his spouse and asked for a spare key. When she opened the door and saw her husband in a compromised position with Lucy, all hell broke loose.
The consequences of the "after-effects"
The aftermath that followed was one big battle. Although they did not divorce, the whole marriage had been undermined. It was to change negatively and the family sanctity was totally shattered. It was a litter of many broken pieces and it has remained this way for the past 15 years since it happened.
The Unanswered Question
Wallace remained a church leader right across the time when he was carrying his infidelity at its highest point. He did not allow even the slightest restraint to stop his philandering ways. It is amazing in its continuation over that time. Guilt figured only very briefly and it is interesting to note that guilt is never any effective as a deterrent. Why did Wallace forsake his beatiful family for someone he knew had no sense of fidelity to him. He knew that the minute he left Lucy, she would have a host of other lovers. Yet, he chose to remain oblivious to such unfaithfulness and stuck to what simply satisfied him. His considerations for his family was relegated to non-importance. Sad isn't it? The strongest bonds are still not enough in the fight against sexual lust and infidelity......
2.2...THE HUGE GRIP OF INFIDELITY
Those who know infidelity will almost know that it is one of the toughest task of all to break its hold on a man's life. Why is Infidelity so different from the other problems that we face in our lives? It is because Infidelity is an intrusion into the deepest part of our being and it touches into our spirits. Can addiction be broken? Can what is deeply ingrained in the spirit man be easily broken?
NEXT: 2.3...THE ANALOGY OF A TREE PLANTED
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