PART 1: INFIDELITY HAS TO BE UNDERSTOOD IN ITS TOTALITY
In the next few postings, the subject matter will be on Infidelity and why men in particular are so prone to fail and fall in this area of their lives....... It is my hope that spouses will read this together and begin to understand why this is such a serious threat to marriages in the modern world. The problem is often denial and a reluctance to consider the issue (until it is too late) for fear that exposure might lead to damaging consequences that can totally upset the matrimonial balance in families that seem outwardly harmonious. I will post the considerations under 5 main headers:
- AN UNDERSTANDING OF INFIDELITY
- THE GRIP OF INFIDELITY AND ITS LASTING CONSEQUENCES
- DEALING WITH THE SOURCES AND THE CAUSES OF INFIDELITY
- BREAKING THROUGH AND BREAKING OUT OF ITS IMPRISONMENT
- A LIFE-LONG PROTECTION ISSUE - HOW TO STAY FREE!
1.1...WHY DO MEN FAIL AND FALL?
In the past months, many stories of infidelity emerged among my circle of friends. In the aftermath of such unfaithfulness and extra-marital affairs came unrequited hurts and irreparably-damaged emotions. The anger and the brokenness that accompanies such stories are a tragedy. It is not only the spouses that are affected but families are often dragged in and the children are left with such emotional scars that they are often affected for life.
I can only speak for the men in this posting because I am one! I will relate to you things that I have gone through and which I thought I could never recover from. By God's grace I am restored and healed but I want to say this - we can never ever assume that we are in control of such emotions and feelings.
1.2...IS INFIDELITY REALLY A WIDE-ENCOMPASSING PROBLEM?
I am sure that infidelity is one of the most serious problems around. Many many marriages are affected by it and unfortunately the ones we hear about are only the ones that have become serious and 'broken out'. What we hear about are really only a small tip of the ice-berg. The number of serious cases of infidelity are definitely very high. Most men have mastered the art of "hiding" their infidelity and many assume that so long as they can keep it hidden, it should not pose a problem to anyone. The art of keeping clandestine relationships a secret is a daily pursuit of a lot of men. The pressures are heavy for men in such situations but the seeming pleasures of "stolen waters" keep them going on.
1.3...UNDISCOVERED INFIDELITY IS DEFINITELY NOT HARMLESS?
Much as it as it seemingly does not harm those who do not know, undiscovered infidelity is not as harmless as it seems. Infidelity in any form is a betrayal of love and trust and no matter how well it is managed, it will slowly but surely eat into the spousal relationship and soon (however it is justified), that relationship will start to deteriorate. A man cannot give his passion and sexual priority to someone else and hope to maintain his spousal obligations at a high level. The attrition will soon wear away the facade and sooner or later, that man will have to contend with the issue of a decision that has to be made on his marriage.
1.4...THE SAD CONSEQUENCES OF INFIDELITY
Infidelity will always have its consequences. The secret trysts and the 'release' of sexual energy will drain the man of his ability to bring happiness to his family and his spouse. He can give equated amounts of attention to his family but still, the strain of such demands on his energy levels will become too high a price to pay. A man in such circumstances will soon have telling signs emerge of his involvement in such a terrible scheme of deception. He will feel tense and irritated as he juggles the time that is required for a 'secret' relationship that can only continuously make more demands on his time.
1.5...THE PLEASURES OF INFIDELITY IS ALL-CONSUMMING
"Stolen waters are sweet" is perhaps an understatement in extra-marital affairs. Stolen waters are often like the best honey mixed with the most delicious juices. It is more than sweet; it is tantalising and overpowering. The secret pleasures of illicit relationships is a journey of adventure and thrills that is seemingly matchless at its beginning. For the first-time man in such a relationship, it is even more of an eye-opener. The joys of unbridled sexual and physical release is something that every suffering sponse needs to understand if the problem is to be beaten back and overcome. Imagine a man who has slowly drifted into a predictable and boring 'journey' in his marriage suddenly come into a situation where he has a chance to give expression to his long-subdued sexual imaginations and fantasies. It becomes an all-consumming pleasure and one that he longs to have more and more. It becomes more than just a pursuit - it becomes an addiction that will be hard to break. For such men, even if one affair is discovered and broken, they will just move on to the next one developing a greater proficiency in hiding his involvement. Sad but so true. The recognition of the 'real' problem therefore has to be the first constructive step to come out of such a situation.
1.6...THE TERRIBLE RESPONSE OF DENIAL
How many men in a situation of infidelity will ever think of coming out of it and lose the pleasures that he is enjoying? How many will allow guilt to nudge them into a position where they will confess to it and face the terrible humility of ignominous embarassment and being despised by friends and family members? No one will rightly want to face such a situation, not when he is already addicted to the 'crazy' feelings of extra-marital sex and pleasures. This denial on the part of the man is not difficult to evoke. In the first place when he strays, he has already considered the 'cost' many times and weighed it up. Where it is concealment for the men, the issues is very different for women. Many wives often come into their own state of denial. They already have a happy family and one where the community has given it acceptability and standing. In the social circles, the spouses are already seen as successful and the families are seen as very much bonded together. Many wives are simply afraid of losing what has taken years to build and they avoid thinking about what could affect them. Successful men unfortunately have spouses who are so proud of the family achievement that failure becomes a non-consideration. So denial becomes the norm.
Such situations of 'arms-length' myopia actually condones the behavior of many men who continue to live secret double-dealing lives. "So long as I do not know about it, I don't care" has become an adage of modern wives in 'professional' and business families. Having half a husband is perceived as better than having no husband and besides, many of these wives have grown overweight and unattractive (despite spending thousands on beauty every month - but what to do with all the good food around and available) and would have no options in terms of another marriage as an alternative. So the environment has determined what is deemed as acceptable until the storm breaks out.....
NEXT POSTING: INFIDELITY AND ITS LASTING IMPRINT
Posts
No comments:
Post a Comment