On guilt & conscience

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THE PANGS OF GUILT.....
I will never forget the time when I first felt the pangs of guilt so strongly. I had been secretly stealing from my brother Hock Beng's stacks of coins that he had so painstakingly accummulated under the empty bed where no one was using. My father loved him (being the youngest son) and he would be given a lot of coins where we had none.

GUILT COMES STRONGEST WHEN THE WRONG IS FIRST DONE
The first time I opened the mat which covered his coins and took from the stacks there, I felt really bad - it was a sense of guilt that I had done something very wrong. Certainly, I was not entitled to the money but the slot machine opposite my house had the more urgent desire. After losing what I took from him, I would quickly take some more. The second time I stole from that pack, I felt a bit less bad. Then I took more and more...... and I kept feeling less and less bad.

REPENTANCE IS NATURAL WHEN WE ARE CAUGHT BUT IT DOES NOT LAST
Soon I began to justify why I was doing it - and I used the favoritism that my Dad had for him as the reason why I shouldn't feel bad about taking the money. After a while I actually felt like there was nothing wrong. Then I was caught and all hell broke lose. He complained in tears to my mother and my mother who was brought up by the missionaries as an orphan detested lies and stealing. The beating that I got as punishment got me guilty again and for a while I felt repentant. Then as quickly as it came, I did not feel so bad soon enough. True repentance, I found from an early age is not about just the shedding of "crocodile" tears. It has to touch the spirit deeply if it is to last.

SOON JUSTIFICATION TAKES OVER IF WE DO NOTHING ABOUT IT..
This was one of my early encounters with guilt. I realized that if I kept doing something wrong, the guilt turns to acceptance and acceptance quickly gave way to justification. This is exactly how sin works and in the same way, we quickly explain it away. That is why we seldom end up correcting our wrongs. Infidelity is like that and the more we get into it, the more we think there is nothing wrong. Corruption is also like that too. Ask the guy who got rich from corruption and he will take a lot of pains to explain to you why he is legitimate in what he does. Ask anyone about his own wrongs and he will explain how it is not like what you think. Wrongs can be right - it just depends on whose view it is.

CONSCIENCE IS A LITTLE BIT DIFFERENT
I remember being introduced to Butterfly catching when I was 10 years old. I thoroughly enjoyed running after the colorful butterflies and catching them in this big net that I had bought. The only problem was that each time a butterfly was caught, someone had to take it out of the net and press on its thorax until it is knocked out. At that tender age, each time I saw my friends do it, I would be horrified by that cruel act. My conscience simply would not allow me to be so cruel!

CONSCIENCE IS THE BEST DETERRENT SO LONG AS WE DO NOT STIFLE IT
Not willing to press all the air out of butterflies meant that I had to probably give up what I loved doing best - collecting these beautiful creatures on wing and I was not willing to do it. After days of contemplating the choices, I decided that I had to do what I had to do! So it was - the next time I caught a butterfly and it was huge "Rajah Brooke Birdwing", I had to take it up and pressed it on the thorax. I did it with great difficulty - that night I could not sleep becuase I felt so bad about it. I had to wrestle with my conscience the whole night long.

THE DEATH OF CONSCIENCE - THE BIG PROBLEM WITH MAN
The next time I had to do it, I did it and although I still felt bad, I quickly did what I had to do. Then I did it again and again. On my tenth catch, I was not even thinking about my feelings anymore. I told myself that these lovely butterflies would die pretty soon anyway (they had life spans of between 14-20 days on average) and so I did it!!! After that, there were no more problems. That day when I felt nothing within me stirring anymore, my conscience died.

WITHOUT A CLEAR CONSCIENCE, WE HAVE LOST BEFORE WE CAN START
It is now years since I collected my last butterfly but I still think back to those days whenever I encounter issues that had to do with my conscience. On more occasions than one, my unclear conscience sputtered and died when I had to confront my secret desires and wants. It was always a losing battle when I had to stop going into something that I knew was not right. Stepping into temptations has been one of the biggest problems I have had in my life of excitement. Stepping away from them have been most difficult. I have since discovered that conscience is only useful and a deterrent if we take the early steps to avoid giving rein to our sinful nature. Anything after that is academic. Is it any wonder then that most men fall badly in their lives; some never to recover again..........